Dear Haya,
I’ll be getting married in a few months and have been engaged to my fiancé for the last one year. My issue is that my in-laws are too interfering when it comes to the relationship between my fiancé and I.
Ever since our courtship began, they are inquisitive about when we talk to each other, where we go to eat out etc. While I understand that people are curious, there’s a limit to which one should inquire about the personal lives of others.
Maybe I’m overthinking, but I often feel uncomfortable knowing that I’ll be living with the same people in a matter of a few months and that they’ll then be more involved in our day-to-day life.
I want to talk to my fiancé about this, but I’m not sure how to proceed with the conversation and how he’ll react to it. Please give me some advice.
— A frustrated bride-to-be
Dear frustrated bride-to-be,
First of all, congratulations! You are stepping into a new phase of your life.
Before we unpack your matter, I’d like to point out that feeling uneasy before marriage is very common. In fact, it can feel scary and overwhelming because it’s a new and unfamiliar territory. Having concerns at this stage is valid, and shows you are reflecting on your needs, and trying to build a healthier foundation for your future.
Now from a South Asian context, curiosity often comes from care, excitement and a way to bond with a new member joining the family. But at the same time, I’m hearing that your in-laws inquisitiveness is making you feel uncomfortable and intrusive, and you do not feel at ease with the questions being asked.
While it would be ideal for you that they didn’t inquire so much, the reality is that we cannot control other people and often others do not know how we are feeling or what our needs are. What we can control is our behaviour, our responses, our actions and owning how we feel.
Let’s explore your discomfort.
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Relationships are delicate, and how we approach them matters, especially at the stage you’re in right now where you are still developing an understanding, getting to know one another better and building relationships with other family members. At the same time, it is important to be honest with your partner, to let him know how you feel and to communicate what your needs are.
The discomfort you are experiencing is signalling that your needs for space and privacy are not being met yet. You are feeling uncomfortable because your personal boundaries are getting blurred. I also sense that you are feeling concerned about your in laws and remain anxious about future boundaries. For instance, what married life will look like, how much autonomy you will have and whether your partner will be able to protect the emotional space between the two of you.
Let’s take a look at how you can approach this.
Speak to your fiancé during a relaxed time: Choose a relaxed and appropriate time to speak to your fiancé, not after an incident that has already upset you.
Speak from your experience: Use ‘I’ statements when sharing an experience rather than using blaming language. Let him know you feel overwhelmed/uncomfortable when you are asked too many questions about your personal relationship or when your personal conversations are shared.
Clarify your deeper need: Let him know this is not about rejecting his family, its about your need for personal privacy and emotional safety.
Invite him into problem solving: Ask him, “how do you think we should approach this?” This turns it into shared responsibility rather than a complaint.
Find a mutual agreement: Agree and discuss what stays between the two of you.
Notice his response: More than immediate solutions, pay attention to whether he listens, validates, and takes your concerns seriously. This will tell you a lot about how future boundary issues may be handled.
Start with this and remember that marriage is a setting where there is “we” not an “I”. It is about forming a new unit together, knowing each others needs, accommodating together and finding a middle ground. The “my way or the high way” mentality doesn’t work in this situation. Healthy boundaries early on don’t create distance, they actually prevent resentment later. At the same time, boundaries are not walls, they are flexible, not rigid and they evolve over time.
If you approach this conversation with honesty warmth and clarity you are not being difficult you are being emotionally wise.
Best wishes,
— Haya
Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate well-being strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organisational cultures focused on well-being and raising awareness around mental health.
Send her your questions by filling this form or email to [email protected]
Note: The advice and opinions above are those of the author and specific to the query. We strongly recommend our readers consult relevant experts or professionals for personalised advice and solutions. The author and Geo.tv do not assume any responsibility for the consequences of actions taken based on the information provided herein. All published pieces are subject to editing to enhance grammar and clarity.
