Washington bombed England and chopped down a huge cherry tree. The people used that tree to make him new teeth and a very nice house. They built him this house and a big monument and they put his face on money. Very respectful. They knew how to show respect back then. But his wife wasn’t much to look at, not like Melania.
The White House is a good house, very historic. But everyone says it needs work. That’s my second job. If you ask the best people who should fix a famous building, they all say, “Sir, you’re the only one who can do it. You have the expertise and the industry contacts to get the best materials at the best prices.” It’s true.
We’re making the White House great again, kids. The lamestream media will tell you the golden ballroom and astroturf and burger bar are about me. They lie. That’s what they do. I’m making it better so you can be proud of a White House that has gold and turf and burgers. I’ve got my building guys painting the Lincoln swimming pool the bluest, most beautiful blue. It’s hard work, but I don’t mind. I bet you kids will want to swim in it, won’t you? That’s because Trump is making it beautiful, not dirty like under Hussein Obama. Your president is working hard for you kids. Nobody talks about that. Now, the best people keep saying, “Sir, you should stay another term and enjoy all this hard work you’re doing. You deserve it.” Wouldn’t that be great? I’m thinking about it. I am.
So, you’re in 8th grade, huh—8th grade. I was tremendous at 8th grade, the best. All the girls asked to be my girlfriend. They’d all say, “Sir, you’re so handsome. Can I be your girlfriend, please?” But I was too busy being the best student. The teachers gave me trophies and awards. They kept saying, “You’re the best at everything, sir, can we please give you another prize?” I think that’s a very good lesson for you. I’m not your teacher, so I can’t say for sure. But that’s what I think.
Your very nice headmaster or ruler or principal, I don’t know, he wanted to speak with me earlier. He shook my hand and said, “It’s an honor, sir. You’re the best president of my lifetime.” Isn’t that nice? But I had to correct him, you know. “I’m the best president of everyone’s lifetime.” He agreed and he laughed and he thanked me. Very respectful. Even principals get historical facts wrong sometimes.
He said you almost went to Disney World instead of the White House. You’re lucky. Very lucky. Disney is run by the people who pay very unfunny Jimmy Kimmel, the guy who tried to get me killed. He also tried to kill Melania, I hear. Terrible people. Just terrible. With very bad rides. The roller coasters are so slow, like they’re for babies. The worst. I told my guy who runs the FCC, “Just shut them down. Putin would already have them in jail. Why is this idiot still on the air?” This is a great country, the freest, but that doesn’t mean you can tell terrible lies about the president on TV. It’s good no one watches him. Very low ratings. You don’t watch him. Way past your bedtime.
You know, Disney is in a state run by a very dumb governor. Meatball Ron ran against me, even after I told him not to. If you see him, he’ll tell you he didn’t want to be Attorney General. But he begged and begged. He said, “Sir, I’d work very hard for you.” I laughed at him and put Pam Bondi in there. Hah! He hated that. You should’ve seen his face.
Looking at you kids, I can tell you’re very smart. But there are a lot of very dumb people out there, like Tucker Carlson or Marjorie Taylor Greene. They’re the worst. They say conquering the queen of Iran isn’t MAGA. Don’t listen to them. They don’t know what MAGA is. I do. I invented it. It’s whatever I say it is. That’s why I’ve never talked to them. It’s why I don’t even know what they say. You’re lucky I’m president, even if Tucker says I’m the devil.
I’m the one who sent those big, beautiful bombers to blow up Iran. That’s why people say I’m the bravest president we’ve had. If I hadn’t, we wouldn’t be here right now. Iran would have nuclear weapons. The Middle East would be gone. Israel would be gone. Your parents would be ashes in an ashtray. Poof. You’d have bombs falling on your heads at bedtime. They’re sickos. They’re lunatics. Nobody should let a sicko lunatic have nuclear weapons. Trust me.
