It often starts with the smallest things, and it can feel like it comes out of nowhere. Everything is going fine while I’m getting my kids out the door and ready for school. And then, slowly, it starts to build.
For the hundredth time, I’m telling one of them to put their shoes on. My oldest suddenly remembers she forgot to do her homework, and the preschooler refuses to leave with the blue water bottle I gave him. He has to have the red one with animals on it instead. It just feels like never-ending chaos.
Before I even realize what’s happening, I’m standing in the doorway yelling at the top of my lungs for everyone to get out of the house. I didn’t want to yell or scream, but it happened before I could stop it. We all get in the car, but my body still feels tight. I’m gripping the steering wheel a little too hard. I just feel so angry.
This was a morning a mom shared with me. She felt incredibly guilty and ashamed that she couldn’t control herself. She apologized to her kids afterward and tried her best to repair things, but she couldn’t stop replaying it in her mind.
Why did I react like that? What is wrong with me?
She felt like a bad parent for losing her temper. She’s an adult and should be able to stay calm. But sometimes that moment of rage just takes over and it feels like there’s no stopping it.
And I believe this is something we don’t talk about enough — between moms and in society as a whole. Having these intense feelings can make us feel like bad people and very alone. I want to reassure you that you’re not a bad person, and you’re not alone.
The Emotional Whiplash After the Rage
The moment of intense anger is hard, but what often hurts even more is what comes after — the guilt. Replaying the moment again and again, thinking about all the things you wish you had done differently.
You apologize to your kids or your partner and promise yourself you’ll handle things better next time. But that is often easier said than done.
The guilt shows up because you care. You want to be the best mom you can be, and many of us picture that as always being calm, loving, and patient. When you lose that control, it’s easy to believe there must be something wrong with you.
But maybe that reaction is trying to tell you something else.
You Are Not Alone — Research Backs This Up
When researchers started asking moms about anger — not just sadness or feeling down — they found something important. Many moms reported intense anger episodes connected to parenting. These moments were often linked to feeling powerless, overwhelmed, and unsupported.
One qualitative study published in Sex Roles described mom rage as intense anger that feels uncontrollable, not planned, and often followed by shame. Many of the women said the anger did not match the situation, but once it started, it felt impossible to stop.
Postpartum mental health organizations have also started talking more openly about anger. For many women, rage is a sign that something is out of balance. Some studies suggest that up to half of women who experience postpartum depression also report intense anger or rage, even though this symptom is rarely talked about.
So why is this part of motherhood not really talked about?
The good news is that we are starting to understand it better now.
So What Exactly Is Mom Rage?
Mom rage is more than being annoyed or snapping after a long day. It is not just frustration. Clinically and psychologically, mom rage is understood as a stress response — not a personality problem. Read that again. It is not you.
These intense outbursts often happen when the nervous system has been under stress for a long time without enough relief. When this happens, the body moves into a fight-or-flight state and stays there. In that state, rage can become the fastest way for the body to release built-up pressure.
Experts in trauma and stress, including physician Gabor Maté, explain that anger is often a boundary emotion. It shows up when something important to you is being crossed, ignored, or pushed too far. In simple terms, anger is a signal that one or more boundaries are being crossed again and again. To the nervous system, that feels threatening.
Mothers are especially vulnerable to this because we are often taught to put everyone else first and ignore our own needs. It can be hard to stop doing that when we are told this is what makes you a good mom.
But when the nervous system is ignored for too long, it will always find a way to speak up.
How to Tell If This Is Mom Rage (Not Just Frustration)
Based on research and what moms consistently report, these are some common signs:
- The reaction feels much bigger than the situation. You know the trigger is small, but your response feels intense and overwhelming.
- It feels like it happens before you can stop it. Many moms describe it as their body taking over, with very little pause between feeling triggered and reacting.
- In the moment you don’t feel like yourself. You don’t recognize your voice, your tone, or your words, especially if you usually see yourself as calm or patient.
- The guilt afterward feels heavy and lasts a long time. Instead of moving on, you replay the moment and worry about how it affected your kids.
If this happens regularly, it can be a sign that you’ve taken on a lot for a very long time — and it’s starting to show up this way.
Why Mom Rage Happens
Most of the time, moms are not angry because they are ungrateful or impatient. They are angry because they are mentally, emotionally, and/or physically exhausted.
Research and clinical work show that mom rage often develops when the nervous system is under constant pressure without enough recovery.
Common contributing factors include:
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Chronic exhaustion (especially poor sleep)
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Constant noise and stimulation
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Carrying most of the mental load
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Lack of emotional or practical support
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Suppressing emotions
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Growing up without healthy models of regulation or boundaries
An overextended nervous system makes it difficult to pause and respond — you become reactive. Instead of asking “What is wrong with me?” try asking “What is this trying to tell me?”
In many cases, mom rage points to crossed limits or ignored needs.
You cannot calm an overextended nervous system without changing how much stress it is under.
This Is Not About Never Getting Angry
Being a good parent does not mean you will always be calm, relaxed, and patient.
Anger is a normal human emotion. The goal is not to eliminate it but to express it in ways that do not hurt you or others.
From a physiological perspective, anger is energy in the body. If that energy has nowhere to go, it builds up — and eventually erupts.
Physical outlets can help release stress:
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Fast walk or run
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Lifting weights or kickboxing
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Gripping a pillow tightly
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Screaming into a pillow or in your car
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Punching or throwing a pillow
These are not immature behaviors. They help the body complete the stress response cycle.
Emotional outlets also help:
Different moments need different tools. Some days your body needs movement. Other days it needs quiet.
Anger is not something to push away. It is something to listen to.
When You Lose It: Why Repair Matters More Than Perfection
Even with awareness and tools, there will still be moments you wish you handled differently. Research is clear: everything is not lost.
What matters most is not having a parent who never gets angry — but having a parent who repairs.
Repair can look like:
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Apologizing sincerely
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Naming what happened in simple language
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Reassuring your child they are not at fault
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Talking about what you’ll try next time
These moments teach children that emotions are human and relationships can heal.
Just as important is repairing with yourself. Those moments don’t cancel out the love and effort you bring every day.
See it for what it is: information.
When you stop judging yourself and start listening, you can find the support and changes you actually need. —Marlene
Sources:
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10159823/
https://postpartum.net/mom-rage-causes-ways-to-cope-and-reasons-for-hope/
https://drgabormate.com/book/the-myth-of-normal/
